Who's Living

I meet people every day at my job. Most are healthy. A few are chronically ill. And some are dying. I pondered this one night. A patient I had just talked to was "actively" dying. He said he was at piece with what was going to happen with him, made the necessary arrangements and felt everything was okay. He was able to 'live' with a great sense of piece.

What is the difference between living and dying? It felt like I was running circles in my head. The two were so closely related I couldn't keep the lists from muddling together. He was dying but living more than he had lived in years. He was finishing things he had always wanted to do. He had waited all of his life. Waited to live until he was dying.

If something or someone is living, as all living things do, it is also actively dying. For example, flowers grow, blossom, reproduce, wither, and, die. Each step we take as living is actually a step towards death. My mind wants me to make sense of it, rationalize every aspect so I am at ease. I'll forget that I'm dying and assume I will live for another 40 years. I am dying way before I start living while like a flower I'm already withering. Too late to start living.

Okay, so I think I have this put to rest in my head, neatly tucked under my covers so I can sleep. It's starting to make sense. It makes sense only to raise another question. Why wait? Why wait until I am physically disabled by death to start living? Why wait until I am too emotionaly dead to care? Why not live and finish what I want to do today, I'll still be dying. And, if I start today, I will still be living.